Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I’m not lazy
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies