i’m sure it’s fine
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.