Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
the icebreaker
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house