Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant