Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”