Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Quadruple digit IQ
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.