I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Sorry. Not sorry
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no