I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers