If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My god she’s good.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Bloody internet 😳