Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”