I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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May never get over this
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’ll be mad as hell!
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Its a hippotatomus
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
my professor scared me for a second
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank