Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Just a phase…
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.