馃槈
You Might Also Like
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let鈥檚 go with that.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I don鈥檛 want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I鈥檓 over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The Mastodon crowd doesn鈥檛 care for me much. Pretty sure it鈥檚 my cologne.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me, flirting馃槒
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.