Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I told my vodka about you.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.