[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.