Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
bro what is going on at twitter
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti