Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!