i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.