So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.