babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“Sheer Arrogance”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up