She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.