Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
same vibe as tangled headphones
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians