“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I wanna be friends with this person
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Good morning, Twitter 😊