4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?