Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be