Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”