has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Last-minute gift idea!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer