I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Just a reminder, folks:
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.