[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.