“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
my sentiments exactly
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The three genders
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade