Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.