me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit