GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008