[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.