HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Van Gone
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Banking tips
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading