#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Ferrari squats
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…