I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I put the p in pants.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.