The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now