Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
#ProTip
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too