Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I feel seen
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.