[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?