Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”