Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.