Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter