You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Ugh
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?