me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Nomnomnomnom
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!