Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”