After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok