I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
You Might Also Like
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The French cow says MEUX…
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
We avoided this particular disaster
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.