I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.